Today has been such an emotional day for me. I’ve been so busy I haven’t had much time to think about the upcoming celebration of Mother’s day. But once the day was upon us, I had some time to reflect on my life these past 8 weeks since becoming a Mother. What I felt most today was love and gratitude for the two men in my life. The men who will help define who I am for the rest of my life, and help me to grow into the woman that I was meant to be. I am sure that I’ll never be able to adequately explain how much they mean to me, but hopefully these words are a beginning.
Dearest Oliver, I barely remember a life before you were here. You who made me a mother, came into my life like a giant ball of love, giggles and sunshine and turned it upside down. I love you so much that I feel as though my heart might burst out of my chest. I work so hard trying to memorize the contours of your face and the feel of your smooth skin because I can’t bare the thought of not remembering. I always want to remember how perfect you are. How you came to me so fresh from heaven, such a pure and innocent soul who needs me, who needs food and warmth and most importantly love. And here I am your mother, a woman of 30, who has waited so long to hold you, kiss you, and feel your presence. I count my blessings every second of every day. Some days I am so happy I can hardly handle the pressure of my heart pushing against my chest. I love you so much that the word love suddenly seems so inadequate. I have so many hopes and dreams for you, but mostly I hope that you will always love me back, and that in some small way you will come to understand how deeply I love you.
Before you were born, I was half a person. I didn’t know it then, but when you came into my life, suddenly I felt like I was complete. Surely giving birth must have been the most holy experience of my life and every day looking into your eyes I am reminded of just how close you are – how close we all are — to God. I understand better God’s plan for us, and how his children truly are his glory, for you are my glory. I feel like a wise woman because of that knowledge – like I have a secret – I have the greatest gift that anyone could ever have, the gift of being a mother. The day you were born, I realized a whole part of myself that had been dormant, and now that part has blossomed and it feels so wonderful, I feel so dimensional, so fulfilled in this wonderful calling of motherhood.
Of course I am not here alone (thank goodness), I have my wonderful, amazing, kind, and loving husband with me.
Dearest Spencer, you are my strength. I could not do any of this without you. You are the most amazing husband and father and I am so extremely blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for your undying love and affection. I know sometimes I get cranky, and I always have to be right and have things just so, but you are always there putting up with me and still wanting to snuggle at the end of these very long days. I cannot thank you enough for that. We both are very strong and like to think that we are so grown up. But sometimes, I am able to catch a glimpse of the vulnerable boy inside the man and I realize that I need to be more loving and more gentle with you. I also need to allow you to catch a glimpse of the vulnerable girl inside of this woman. Thank you for making me a mother and supporting my motherhood. I feel so free to love our little boy as much as he need to be loved, and when he needs to be loved even if it interrupts some household responsibility here and there. Sometimes we live in chaos together, but this roller coaster is ours and we should cherish every moment of it. I know you are tired and over-worked, but I know that you can do it. You can succeed at anything because you are the most talented person I know. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and before you know it, this time will have passed and we will have many moments to just breath and spend time getting to know each other and our son. You make my dreams come true every single day. I love you with all my heart and soul.